Me vs. Rejection

There is no failure, it is only learning, it’s feedback.

That’s true, but at that moment, the very moment of rejection, there is so much action in the scene playing inside the head, that this learning takes time to surface up.
After living a very protected life under a shadow of one big giant organization for over a decade, for me, going out there itself, is opening up to a lot of failure. Sorry feedback 🙂
I had prepared my mind for any number of failures. It’s better to fail than not to try. This was the mantra I used to quit routine.  
And then a series of failures followed, as was expected. It first started with no response from people: No response to calls or emails. That was not solely in my hands so it was well handled by my mind. Keep trying is what it kept telling me.
But when I had my first rejection from an interview, the moment I was told that I wasn’t suitable for the role due to lack of experience. The world inside, completely changed. All the negative thoughts woke up from ground up, I could hear all of them shout aloud and heard the nuts and bolts clicking and something huge growing with all of the past rejections. And finally there stood, like a huge car turned transformer! It walked raising a lot of dust; causing the kids- poor little positive thoughts, lose their way due to the smoke ahead of them. Mr. Rejection a.k.a. transformer sat with pride on a self-made throne at the center of my brain. And there I was making small talks with myself about what next, while driving back home. It’s going to rain, and oh there is a traffic jam already! Focus on driving; let’s hear what’s on the radio. I was plain avoiding Mr. R(rejection). I did not want to pump his ego with any attention. But the kids had to fight the machine. And the machine just got bigger and louder, the more I avoided it.
So I had no other choice but to talk to him.
I asked him – Hey Mr. R, What do you think I could do better?
You should have quit earlier, when you had just started working with the giant, when you were younger and you could have created the experience that you were asked for today.
Me – Ok, agreed, I should have done that, you are right!
(He got bigger)
Me – I don’t know what I should do next, should I get back to the job that I did not enjoy.?
(He grew bigger)
Mr. R – But now it’s too late, you will be laughed at. Why did you quit by the way? What were you thinking?
Me – I don’t know, I felt that was right. It was my instinct. If I had not quit I would not have been this happy. I am getting to see Rejection which I otherwise never saw. See I can talk to you so well now.
Mr. R – [Confused] so you did this just to get rejected? You left your high paying stressful job for experiencing failure?
Me – No; to explore and learn. For the growth of those little positive ones. Not for you!
Mr. R – So let me tell you, this is your lesson. The only skill on which you have experience, is not interesting you anymore, so you quit. But you are not skilled enough for what you like to do. So now you are nowhere. [Laughs Loudly] Me – Waiting at a red light while driving back home, unable to continue the conversation. Suddenly my to-do list and plan B and plan C etc. went missing. They were all clouded by Mr. R who got even bigger and was now starting to give a headache. Red signal turned green, it opened up left and straight, I had to wait for the right turn to open up.
Ah right, that’s how life is. Mr. R, do you hear me? There will surely be multiple paths to do work I like. And sometime, one has to wait a little longer for the right path to open up. So, one needs to try alternate options.
Mr. R – [Laughs Mockingly] Alternate options? How about just going home and crying to your pillow and then just get on your knees and get back to that giant. Or any other giant who will accept you as their feast!
And then he poured out everything negative about me. Everything that was past. What I could have done and did not do. And that the reason for rejection; was always me.
Me – Breathe deep; from the bottom of your stomach. Breathe in slowly [Hummmmmm]. Breathe out slowly [hummmmmmmm]. Repeat until you relax! RELAX
Mr. R stood up from his throne. Hey you, get back to me. Talk to me, will you?
Me – No I won’t. I am in a traffic jam, stuck, so close between a truck and a van. [Talking to myself] Focus, focus, stay in the now. Present moment, is everything. Focus on driving.
Mr. R – Did you call me?
Me – No, I did not
Mr. R – You invited me. You created me from the individual past rejections. That’s how I transformed into this, to be with you. I came for you because you called out to me, to every part of me.
Me – Fine then, go back now. I want peace.
[He started shrinking] Mr. R – But remember you are …[Silent movie]. I muted his voice in my head.
[He got smaller] Me –Yes, I will remember to smile. Smiiilleeeee…and I know this is my learning. I will chase my plan B, with all the more vigor. I am the one driving. I got this.
Poof Poof Puf…the transformer crashed. All the little ones – positive thoughts came back into the sunny playground sending more happy smiles.
And I Smile happy as I drive through the traffic at 10 miles per hour…and am moving.

Oh that’s the best part of driving, irrespective of the pace, you are always moving forward in the direction you want to go 🙂

Comments 8

  1. Rejection: Each of us face these monsters (big or small, subtle or ugly) every now and then. Mere inability to reason and justify our actions feed into monster’s ego. These words just killed the monster with mere will to move forward. Well written Nivedita. Loved the illustrative bend of your writing style.

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